I'm 20 years old. I'm fat. And I'm unhappy.
Now we've got introductions out of the way here's what's up. So I'm sitting here at 2am in the morning, tired out of my mind, with the wind howling outside - absolutely hating life. And to top it all of I have an exam in 12 hours which I am 100% unprepared for.
So of course, instead of the obvious - which would be to bury my head in books, I've decided to cleanse my soul and create a blog.
I'm not really sure what I want to create out of this, but I got the inspiration from watching a series or two of 'Awkward' and now I feel like this is something I really need to do and should have done a long time ago. There are so many things that have been clogging up my mind that I don't even know where the start. At risk of 'cyber-verbal-diarrhoea' I've decided to structure my blog with one theme per post.
I'm fat and I'm unhappy. The former is something we'll get onto in another post but the latter is something that we have to discuss right now. Why am I unhappy? Sometimes I think about this question there are so many things that fly into my head I feel dizzy - it's so hard to pinpoint what exactly it is, but I think I have a few pinned down. I'm unhappy because of the course I'm studying at university.
Let's be honest, I chose it - no I wasn't coerced into making that choice - I made it myself. I originally wanted to study Economics. My AS level results weren't high enough to get into a good university to study my course. So I had to opt for business. Then I realised if I studied business - what kind of job would be available to me afterwards? So I opted for pharmacy.
I hate pharmacy. I hate it with a passion. I hate chemistry. I hate biology - I hate it less than I hate chemistry but nonetheless the hatred is still very much there. I have never been a great fan of maths but I've tolerated it in the past. The last three subjects I just listed are essentially what my course is comprised of and I feel lost and hopeless. I feel lost and hopeless because I see no way out. I chose this course, I made the decision to change, and if I change back to business I would have wasted the last 2 years of my life - not only that, but won't it be x100 worse if I graduate with a business degree and can't find a job - knowing that the graduate prospects for Pharmacy are so much better?
I've tried to reassure my parents that the degree isn't too bad but in reality it is a living hell and I have zero passion or interest for a subject that I'm supposed to study for 5 years and then make a career out of it. WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO?
This being said, my course is most definitely not the only thing that makes me unhappy because I've been unhappy for a very long time - even before the whole university palava came about. I think back and remember crying into my pillows in Year 10. This is one thing that I've never spoken about or properly put into words to bear with me whilst I try to figure out exactly what to write and apologies in advance if this doesn't really make sense.
I'm not sure - I haven't been to get a diagnosis or anything but I'm pretty sure for the past few years of my life I've been dealing with a moderate case of persistent depression. Now I don't know if 'persistent depression' is a medical term or if it really describes what I'm going through/have been through but it's the best way that I can describe it. My depression (let's call it Linda, depression is such a sad word (ironic, I know)) - Linda isn't always there you know? Linda is like a long-distance friend - you don't see her too often but when she comes she sticks around for a while. Sometimes you know when she's coming, and sometimes she surprises you. Sometimes she's bearable but sometimes she feels like a crushing weight settled on your chest, eradicating all and any hope you may have had to be able to breathe easy again. Sometimes she can make you feel so sick and disgusted with yourself, that thoughts of you erasing your existence can seem plausible. I don't know about your opinion of her, but Linda seems like a really shitty friend but for the life of me I can't seem to get rid of her. For the life of me I have tried to ignore her, I have tried to face her head-on, I have tried to cry her away, I have tried to starve her away, I have tried to fight her away. But Linda is content with her irregularly scheduled appearances and no matter what - she always finds me.
What do I do? Will Linda eventually get tired of me and leave me alone or will she follow me into my old age?
Who can I get help from...who do i even turn to with something like this? My parents won't understand and neither will my sister. Neither will my friends. I have no one. No one in the world. And if I'm being 100% honest, I'm scared. If my life will always be like this I don't want this life. I bitterly hate myself because as standards go I life a pretty good life. My parents emigrated from Africa and made a good life for themselves in London. They even managed to send both myself and my sister to private school. We live in a 3 bedroom house in Surrey. I'm at a top university studying a competitive course. I should be happy. I should be content. I have always had food to eat, a roof over my head. I've lived a sheltered life - I've never had to face adversity or had a great loss. I've lived comfortably. So why do I have this feeling? Why am I so ungrateful, why do I have this black mass of sadness and hopelessness rooted inside of me? What do I really have to be so sad about?
